A Tribute to the LCpl
So today I got this email and I figured I share it with you all.
This is a tribute to the Marine Lance Corporal and their peers alike….
Holy fucking monkey shit LCpl, I’m so glad that you checked in!!! Your an
18yr old World of Warcraft Master that barely slimed your way through boot
camp and now think your the toughest thing since a level 37 dark elf with a
bow staff…..congrat-u-fuckin-lations retard you’ve already made my
shitlist!
Perhaps it’s the fact that you checked in 20 minutes late with no shave and
an HM1 haircut wearing the newly acquired “ChAlphas” uniform that has become
so popular within your nasty LCpl cult. Or maybe it’s that your eagles are
flying upside down and your “Welcome to the Corps” ribbon is on the wrong
side of your uniform there genius. Whatever the fuck it is, know now, that
me and you are about to become best fucking friends.
Mommy and Daddy are probably under the impression that you are a bad ass
rough and tough leatherneck, eating nails and fighting wars…don’t they?!?
Well I know the truth! You’re an untested, undisciplined, lying, immature
little weasel who can’t even keep a clean room or a squared away uniform.
You’ll end up going to medical to get out of PT while simultaneously surfing
the web on “Military Love Links” with a stupid ass screen name like
“MonsterMarine” or “Jarhead4Life”. You’ll end up with a laminated light duty
chit for some retarded unheard of medical condition while you try to explain
to me “but Gunnery Sergeant, the doc says that my metamusel ligament is
twisted behind my left calf”. Whatever bitch boy…shut your cum dumpster
and get out of my face.
Here’s the thing bag nasty, just know that when you get off limp dick
duty….I plan on having your little whiney ass drug through the dirt. The
thought of watching you vomit after half a mile while Sgt Waddle and Sgt
Yarbrough make crude comments about your mothers vagina makes me smile! Then
I’ll get some lame ass allegation against me for hazing like I even give a
shit…I hope you choke and die on your own vomit.
You’ll end up with a DUI or you’ll pop on a piss test and give some lame ass
excuse trying to shift the blame while taking absolutely NO responsibility
for your own retarded actions. I can hear it now…”but Gunnery Sergeant,
somebody else cooked the brownies, I didn’t know there was any weed in
them”. You think I’m stupid? You’re the only one here that was born
yesterday shit stain.
That’s because your a useless arrogant LCpl Shithead.
You’ll meet the first skanky, low self-esteem, no self-respect slut that
spreads her Herpa-syphilitis infected legs for you and propose marriage
after the first fuck. I can already hear it…”things are different gunnery
Sergeant, I really love her and she loves me”. The only thing that she loves
are your friends and your paycheck and the only thing that your confused,
inexperienced little dick loves is her nasty vagina…that’s it….and
she’ll probably have 4 kids from 3 different dads (one of which is still
pending the results of a DNA test on some white trash talk show). You’ll
give me some LCpl retarded justification like “Gunny, her kids love me, I
think I’m the first male influence they have had in their lives”. That’s
because all of the other influences were a lot more intelligent than your
dumb ass. That’s good to fucking go though, here I thought you were fucking
a nasty, money-stealin skank and here you are the fuckin hero….my
apologies, I’ll know better the next time around.
You’ll buy two 30,000 dollar cars (both of which need rims, TV’s, and a
sound systems) or a Hyabusa although you’ve never ridden in your nasty
little lifetime. And your going to do it all on a 24,000 dollar a year
salary. Why are you going to do this LCpl shit for brains? Because you’re a
retarded LCpl that’s why. When you get so in debt that you can’t pay your
rent, utilities, cable, or credit cards, your creditors are going to find me
and I will be FORCED kicking and screaming to sit down and do a financial
worksheet FOR YOU (which you’ll lie on, so it doesn’t fuckin help you
anyway).
Then comes the DUI…dumbass. You spent your night at the bar, getting
wasted with the boys and trying to cheat on your wife with some out of shape
barracks rat LCpl cult member, while your wife gets railed from behind by 2
of your friends back in the barracks. Now I’m asleep at home when my
annoying phone goes off at 2 a.m and who do you think it is? Yes indeed it’s
you, sobbing like the little bitch that you are, tossed in the drunk tank
and awaiting me to bail you out….now I gotta call the Master Sergeant to
explain why my leadership failed you. I hate you Lance Corporal….I hate
you!
$12,000, two lawyers, a divorce, and two repo-ed cars later, I see you
smoking a cigarette with your fellow fucking failure LCpl cult members out
at the smoke pit…..complaining about how the Corps fucked you, how you
gotta pay child support, your credits fucked cause you got NJP’ed and lost
money, how you’re an alcoholic and how you blame it all on PTSD although
your retarded ass has never deployed. I hate you Lance Corporal, I fuckin
hate you with all my heart. The fact that you wear the same uniform as me,
grinds against my very being. The fact that I have to walk you through life
like you’re a baby who’s learning how to talk, makes me bitter with rage. I
wish I could kick you in your fucking teeth. I wish I could kick you out
into the street to find your own way and watch you fail at life without the
big brother baby sitting Corps.
You can thank Mothers Of America, which mommy is probable a proud member of,
along with some liberal faggots for preventing me from breaking your ass
down shotgun style and taking a ratchet to your skull while beating some
damn sense into your brain housing group…because lord knows I fantasize
about that ALL day! One day LCpl…one day.
Related posts:
September 12th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Hello Jarhead,
Am I mistaken in my limited “knowledge’ that it should take about 2 to 3 years for a ‘Boot’ to become a LCpl or is that Cpl?
If I’m right, then how did an 18 year old become a LCpl?
As for the rest that sound about right.
‘Skanks’ are abound no matter where you go or what world you are living in…Military or Civilian.
As for the finicial part, hey, it took listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio and reading one of his books to finially put that into a respective that I could even understand AND, I’m no spring chicken.
As for that LCpl’s “proud Mommy”, she is probably one of those who believed that a good ‘A$$ whoppin’ would damage the ‘ego’ of her precious boy.
My Mom always believed that it was a good “Wake-up” call on what you were doing wrong AND that it was a good idea to change what you were doing RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
** NEVER failed to impress me WHEN I got one of those “Wake-up’s”.
** Afterwards, she would sit with you and speak of the entire process of what was wrong and what was right all the while asking you very good questions. It made me think…a lot… about who and what I wanted to become as an adult.
** “Wake-up’s” are very necessary for some hard-head wet-behind-the-ear know-it-alls.
Yeeep,
I was one of those
AND
sometimes
I think
I may still need a
“Wake-up”
even at my age.
Miss Em
Austell, Ga.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’ve read this twice now and the shit still cracks me up. I believe there’s a little frustration factor in that “letter.” haha
September 25th, 2009 at 11:13 am
whoever wrote this… if you stayed in the Marine Corps for more than 4 years, its because you couldnt make it in the REAL WORLD. Im sorry your wife got fucked while you were deployed. If someone joins the Marine Corps, theyve got alot of nerve, alot of balzacs. Its NCOs like you who shape these Lance Corporals. “nice job” Go Fuck yourself Marine!
September 26th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Oh Rahh. I love this shit. I am falling out of my dawg gone chair!!! I did 4 years form 2000-2004, and sure enough this is every other LCpl I have ever met!!! Hell Some of it was me!!!
And damn it Gunny, You know you were there at one point!!!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Once you get out of your made up world of the marine corps and apply for a job at walmart cause your old crusty ass has no REAL WORLD skills…You will have some temirnal lance shitbag who wasnt scared to get out of the Corps and he will be your boss. Keep dreaming cat shit someone will bury your ass!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Jake
So glad to see that you have set your sights so high as to being a manager at a Wal-Mart. I am really proud that you are taking your life to a new level. Now once I retire from the Marine Corps, and have a paycheck for the rest of my life while sitting on my ass, I will be doing much more than taking orders from a pissed off disgruntled crunchie that didn’t even know how to use the Marine Corps as a stepping stone and had to rely on Wally World for a job.
Semper Fi
October 1st, 2009 at 10:13 am
this gets even funnier! I got out in 05, and know I have my own business! It’s so big that I cant even tell you the name of it because some of you crazies will try to come and kill me. (fuckers). We specialize in countertops, anykind you want except laminate. We do Granite, Marble, Concrete and natural stone. We are huge! and I blame our success on what I learned as a terminal lance!!! I was a terminal lance because I stuck my neck out for my sergeant, who was on a staff sergeant’s board… he got in some trouble and I took the blame…never gaining anymore rank.
So I learned something… The world is your oyster…SHUCK IT! and dont stick your neck out for people that dont give a fuck.
ONCE, ALWAYS…….
October 14th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Good point jarhead…But Im at wyotech currently becoming a master mechanic. Also with the way the economy is going that paycheck wont be enough for you to stay home and sit on your ass at home.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Alright Jarhead. I dont want us to go back and forth takin stabs at one another. I do have a chip on my shoulder..never NJPed, no bad counseling, 12 MCIs, 4.5 4.5 and a squad leader through half a deployment and never got corporal. So its nothing against you but when I see the Lance Corporal getting dogged out well in the grunt units youll mainly see Lance Corporals being team leaders and some cases squad leaders. Thats just my point Semper Fi sorry about the comments earlier.